Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
In The Auto Zone
At a bachelor party, one of the groomsmen who is a virgin asks the bachelor if he can give him advice on getting laid for his first time. The bachelor states to just go up to a hot girl who looks easy buy her a drink and ask if she wants to go back to your place to get it on. The bachelor then points to a hot girl who is looking at the virgin groomsman. The virgin goes up to the girl sits down, buys her a drink and proceeds to ask her if she would like to get it on back at his place. The hot girl states "I would like to but I am on my menstrual cycle". The groomsman replies, "That's okay, we can place your helmet in my car and I can drive".
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
BLACK & WHITE
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
FIGURED OUT WOMEN
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and wired it all together; ...an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he had seen them.
She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, .....it's still in the CRATE!"
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop; the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
A man walks into a bar for a drink and spots his best friend sitting in the corner looking very very sad, so he walks over to try to cheer him up. "Jack, what's the matter? You look like you lost your best friend." "My wife told me she wasn't going to talk to me for a month." replies Jack. "What?!? That bums you out? If that happened to me, I'd be happy about it!" "Me too." says Jack "Today's the last day."
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
LACK OF SEX DRIVE
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly, a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. So, instantly, the fairy turns her into brunette, and she then swims off the island. The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly, the fairy turns her into redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. So, the fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
What's the best thing about a blowjob? 10 minutes of peace and quiet.
The scene is the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve have just finished making love. God looks down, sees Adam, and asks, "Where's Eve?" Adam replies, "She's down at the creek, washing up." God smacks himself in the forehead, and exclaims "Great, now how am I ever going to get the smell off those poor fish!"
My fiancé, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a
big red mark on his forehead.
MARRIAGE & HOT TUBS
Q. Why is marriage like a hot tub?
A. Once you're in it its not so hot!
Thanks to our bachelor party visitor Shawn for this one
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